Childhood fears often carry to our grownup lives.


I knew this woman once, who by herself was a great person. She did week-end dance courses, knitted in her spare time, knew how to cook, went to church every other day – the whole works. A wonderful person!

Then one day I was walking past an accident and saw that woman being pushed in the back of a police car. I thought I saw handcuffs, but wasn’t sure. At first I thought she was the victim, but when the car took off, I saw coroner’s car standing near by and them howling a bodybag on a stretcher. It stopped me on my tracks and I joined the dozen people rolling their eyes to take a better look. Her compact Ford was wrecked up against the traffic light with ton of blood all over the blue hood and the gray street stones. That was about it, and as the investigation went on, I couldn’t watch any longer and had to take off, ’cause I was late for work.

It bothered me. I thought about how nice and lovely woman she was and I couldn’t help the thoughts of her being tossed in with all the criminals. She was meant for white picket fences and trillion children, who worshiped her Sunday roasts – not praying to God in hope the rapist next door wouldn’t find her attractive.

I kept eyes on the news and soon enough her story came through the next morning. Half of it was not true, I’m sure, but curiosity killed the cat, as they say. I don’t know how they get all that information – I doubt she’d give interviews before trials.

But what I read stole my already skimpy sleep for the next few nights as my mind kept trying to understand the logic of her situation. She’d said to the The Huffington Post that she’d wrapped that car around the post while she was fully aware of her actions. In her case, I would have claimed falling asleep behind a wheel and everything in her life would support that theory in court. But instead she claimed being fully aware of what happened.

“So why did you do it?” The reporter had asked.

“To go to hell.” She answered simply.

What the hell? This couldn’t be right. I knew she was religious, but she never passed on to be insane!

I went to her church the next Sunday and quietly listened in on the gossip. Turned out her father was well known among the churchgoers as the model Christian. He also liked to rule his wife ad kids with iron fist. His wife jumped each time he raised his hands to clap. And so I returned, not much wiser on the matter.

It takes time for old men to get their whits sometimes and after that Sunday, I had to concentrate on my job. I still didn’t understand, why, but I thought I’d leave it to that as she wasn’t any of my close friends. She didn’t get more paper space and I thought that would be it, that she’d get trialled and after couple of years she’d be out and her life would go on as I was sure it was nothing more than an accident. Confused pedals, or something.

It took two weeks for the court to be arranged and out of curiosity I went to see it. I sat behind his church friends, but none of her family was present. After listening her statement , I knew, why.

“My father is a good Christian, best you’ll ever find. He’ll definitely get in heaven.” There was a long pause. “We were brought up under his ruling and teaching, but I can’t do this any more. We are taught that we’ll live together in heaven, too, so I thought about it and I realized I didn’t want to live with him any more. I moved out, but the thought that I’d be back under his family rule in heaven, scares me. So I decided to kill someone so I would never get in heaven. I’d be free.” I remember her handkerchief she squeezed between her fingers.

She went to jail after that, but her confession has never left me. She’d seen an opportunity and she’d taken it. I have never met anyone, who is so desperate to go to hell they willingly take another’s life. But that’s exactly what she did.


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